An apology, an update, and a mouse.

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post. I would say that things have been crazy, but the truth is, my mind has been fluctuating from "I have absolutely nothing to talk about" to "I want to talk about everything but can't form coherent sentences." It's rough being me. 

Anyway, since my last post, I have indeed starting working at my part-time day care gig. It's been a rough couple of weeks, but slowly I'm getting the hang of it. Wrangling 8 two-year-olds ain't all it's cracked up to be, you know... even as cute as they are.

But, even as I am slowly learning how to manage 8 little ones at one time, I'm still wondering what exactly it is I am called to be doing at this point in my life. I think that's really where I'm stuck right now. What do I do right now? I mean, I don't have my Master's or Doctorate degrees yet, so my dream job is still just a dream. So, what is it that God is calling me to do?

For right now, I guess that is going to stay a mystery. I'm trying to be patient and to just pray that the job I'm doing now is leading me to holiness in it's own way. But, some days are harder than others. And it just seems that today was one of those days.

I know that I'm the kind of person that, when I find someone to listen, I don't mind complaining and possibly exaggerating the woes of my day (and since you all are helpless readers who can't yell at me to suck it up, you get to "listen"), but I feel like I can say that I knew it was going to be hard day even before I woke up (that's right friends... I had a premonition! magic!). 

Josh left early this morning to go to a youth conference in San Angelo, so even as I woke up (to the bathroom light he left on -- WHYYYYY?) I knew that whatever day I was going to face, I was going to have to face it with him being hundreds of miles away. And, as a newly married gal, I think that just sucks. So, that kind of set the mood for the rest of the day.

And it turns out the day I had to face consisted of: 8 kids hyped up on cupcakes for 4 hours, cleaning for 45 minutes almost solely with bleach water, cold soup (okay, it was my fault for being too lazy to go reheat it again..), not having a husband hug waiting for me at home, and a MOUSE in my apartment. I feel like I don't need to tell you why today was just one of those days.

Anyway, I know that tomorrow is a new day (free of adorable 2 year olds and hopefully one less mouse) and even with my amazing husband away at Region X, I know that I can face whatever comes my way! (But, Lord, please don't let it be any more mice!)

the perks of being a housewife/bum

Currently, I am super unemployed. {that's right. SUPER unemployed.} Right now it doesn't feel so bad because I just got married and I have an awesome husband who is patient and wonderful, but in about a week or so I predict a big breakdown involving mascara stains on my husband's shirt from my overdramatic sobs and a whole lot of self-loathing.

 Oh, that doesn't sound fun to you? Weird.

But, I suppose there are a few good things about being unemployed:

• I get to stay in my pajamas until my husband comes home for lunch {and then I change because I feel really guilty that I'm in my pajamas and still haven't finished the to-do list I started on Monday...}.
• I get to write this {hopefully} fabulous blog about my {not-so} fabulous life. 
• I get to bask in the joys of being newly married without having a stressful job cramp my style {that's pre-supposing that I have style to cramp, of course}.
• Sometimes I get to not even know what the weather is like all day because I've stayed inside all day {that's not really a good thing. I'm really trying hard to make it sound good so I can have more positives..}.

Okay, who am I kidding? Not having a job is dumb. But, hopefully, it will all change soon! Though it isn't anything substantial and definitely not a "big girl" job, I did get a call back from a day care that might {hopefully!} hire me part time! Hopefully it will be the best of both worlds: I'll get to sleep in, be able to write my blog, AND get to feel what the weather outside is like! {SCORE!}

Anyway, I would definitely appreciate some prayers and kind thoughts! 

And in return for sending good thoughts and prayers my way, I'll leave you with this picture of a gang of happy llamas that will brighten your day!

{They're pretty pleased that you're being so nice to me}

Thanks for the love!

Karen

An update on life

I know that Monday I posted a blog about what I want my marriage to look like and the call that I get to finally live out, and all of that is really, really close to my heart. But, I think it would be kind of silly to just say that stuff and not use this venue to update people on how this ministry is going. I think we all know that I'm a work in progress and that I'm not gonna get this whole "servant" thing right away {as much as it pains me to say that}. So, I want to use this blog to update you on our life and on our progress. I know I'm not really all that interesting and that my idea of mixing things up is making myself try something new on a restaurant menu, but, I feel like I have a lot to say and a lot to share, and I want to do it here. So, if you'll have me, I would love to share my life with you.... starting now.

Right now in our marriage, Joshua and I are doing pretty great. Despite a minor hiccup in communication {per usual}, things have been running pretty smoothly. But, it's funny how being away from him for so long before the wedding, and now being with him all the time has kind of messed with me a bit. I guess I forgot that sometimes we are going to have disagreements and sometimes I might even get angry with him {GASP!}. It seems like yesterday was just one of those days. 

Don't get me wrong, there wasn't a tragic, melodramatic fight where I stormed out or I made my new husband sleep on the couch. Far from that. It was a tiny minuscule disagreement that I blew out of proportion {as usual}. Usually it would not even be noteworthy to mention the small spat, but, in this instance, I feel like I learned a great deal from it and I wanted to share.

So, in the middle of this overstated disagreement, there was a moment when my husband and I literally repeated the same thing over and over again not listening to what the other person was saying. And in that tiny moment, I forgot about my vocation, I forgot about my call to love, and I was angry. I was selfish and I was mad. And then I remembered it and what I blogged on Monday and felt super guilty and like I was a liar telling you things that weren't true {yes, this is how my brain works}.

So, after we finally got to the bottom of our argument and figured out what was wrong and settled it, I realized something: I honestly thought that being a good wife and living out God's call for me would be easy.

If you don't already know, I am kind of a huge perfectionist. I just assume that I am really good at something without ever trying it, and when it turns out I'm wrong, I have a break-down and think that I am a horrible person. It's a pattern I'm trying to break. But, my thoughts about being a good wife were no exception. The argument that Josh and I had last night was probably about a 2 on the scale of arguments and my reaction automatically was to freak out and think that I am not living out my vocation the right way, that I was doing something wrong. But, the thing that I have to get through my head is that we are both broken. Not just me, not just my husband, but both of us. We are selfish, stubborn, and greedy, and we are called to live with each other and love each other fully. Sometimes love means arguing, sometimes it means consoling, and other times it means making your spouse laugh hysterically. 

Last night was just one of those moments that God was trying to teach me to love fully. I'm not going to be a perfect wife, a perfect servant of Christ, but I have to keep going and I have to trust not just that God is there, but that He is guiding me. He didn't just call me to do a super hard job and then leave me there to figure out how it's done. He's constantly showing me, giving me opportunities to live it out, and loving me even when I refuse. The more I remember His love for me, the better I love my husband and the people around me.

Telos

Last Saturday was the best day of my life! Not only was I able to wear a super pretty dress and feel pampered for a day, but I was also able to stand up {in my really pretty dress} next to my best friend and vow to love him and cherish him for the rest of our lives while participating in the Holy Sacrament of Marriage. It was awesome, beautiful, and hands-down, the best Mass I've ever attended {though, I am a bit biased..}! 

And now, a whole week has come and gone since that beautiful day! But, the strange part about it is, life after the wedding is even better. That day was the happiest day of my life, but every day since then has been almost as good. Every day, I wake up to my best friend kissing me on the forehead and telling me, "Good morning, pretty lady." Every day, I get to make our tiny apartment a home for our little family. Every day, I get to grow closer to my husband and our Lord. Every day, I am living out my telos, my purpose. Every day, I get to wake up knowing what God's call for me is, and every day I get to grow closer to Him by living it out. The life that my husband and I started last Saturday is not just about us, but it is about living out the Love that has been given to us to those around us. I am the happiest version of Karen that I have ever been in my life because I am finally able to live out the call that God has asked of me. And I want to do it with my whole heart.

So, even though I really loved my big, fancy wedding dress, even though I agonized and worried for a year about my wedding day, in the end, it was not about 

what color dresses the bridesmaids had

{the dress as pictured on the website vs. the real thing}

or what my hair looked like

{hahahaha classic}

The only thing that mattered was this:

the skinny

We all know I love a good rant when I've deprived myself of sleep for no reason, so here goes:


This is something that has always bothered me, but I never knew how to talk about it without feeling like a jerk or that people would just think I'm fishing for compliments or something. But lately I've come to the conclusion that some things need to be said and that I need to stop being afraid to say them. That doesn't mean I'm right, it doesn't mean that I don't want to hear anyone else's opinion. It just means I want to openly share mine.


First, I want to say how awesome it is that so many women are aware of the unrealistic standards of weight that media has shown us, and I'm so happy that women are not looking to those false ideas to find beauty. But, it seems that we've almost swung the other way in some regards.


Hear me out: Women today have gotten so on board the "love your curves" train that many women who are naturally thin are feeling guilty for something that they can't help. Obviously, this is kind of a blanket statement to make; so, although I cannot speak for other women, I can speak for myself. 
I have always felt incredibly uncomfortable when someone pointed out my weight (or lack thereof). I've been skinny since I was a child and I've had to deal with the problems that come along with it since. In fifth grade a girl asked if I was anorexic, I didn't know what it meant and after unassuredly guessing "no," I went home and asked my mom what it was. People have always commented on my weight: from family members to strangers, and the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies it has never gone away. 
What I'm trying to get at here is this: I love that women with curves or heavier women are liberating themselves of what society thinks they should look like. But, just because I'm a size 0 does not mean that I have it easy, and it doesn't make me a bad person. Suddenly, we've come into this age where the mantra "Be comfortable in whatever body you have," it's translated to mean, "Love your curves, mock those who are skinny." It's no longer about being healthy and loving yourself, instead, it becomes about what's it's been since the beginning: Don't care about how you feel about your body, care about what others think about it. Again, it's awesome that women want to feel that love for themselves, no matter what size. Just be careful about what kind of language you use to express that love you are striving to have for your body. Sometimes the things people say to make them love themselves for being bigger, might also just be the things that hurt those who are smaller. 
Look at it this way: I want curves. I don't like it when my clothes don't fit (including my wedding dress) because I'm too damn skinny. So, why would you make me feel worse about myself by letting me know that I'm not sexy, remotely attractive, or what a "real woman" looks like? How is that helping women? How is that any different from scorning those who do have curves? It's not. 
Next time you see a skinny girl, don't just assume that she has the greatest life, don't assume that she doesn't have issues with her body; instead, see her as a person who is in need of love and reassurance just like everyone else. In the end, it doesn't matter if you're a size 00 or 100, I care more about who you are than what you look like.