I know that Monday I posted a blog about what I want my marriage to look like and the call that I get to finally live out, and all of that is really, really close to my heart. But, I think it would be kind of silly to just say that stuff and not use this venue to update people on how this ministry is going. I think we all know that I'm a work in progress and that I'm not gonna get this whole "servant" thing right away {as much as it pains me to say that}. So, I want to use this blog to update you on our life and on our progress. I know I'm not really all that interesting and that my idea of mixing things up is making myself try something new on a restaurant menu, but, I feel like I have a lot to say and a lot to share, and I want to do it here. So, if you'll have me, I would love to share my life with you.... starting now.
Right now in our marriage, Joshua and I are doing pretty great. Despite a minor hiccup in communication {per usual}, things have been running pretty smoothly. But, it's funny how being away from him for so long before the wedding, and now being with him all the time has kind of messed with me a bit. I guess I forgot that sometimes we are going to have disagreements and sometimes I might even get angry with him {GASP!}. It seems like yesterday was just one of those days.
Don't get me wrong, there wasn't a tragic, melodramatic fight where I stormed out or I made my new husband sleep on the couch. Far from that. It was a tiny minuscule disagreement that I blew out of proportion {as usual}. Usually it would not even be noteworthy to mention the small spat, but, in this instance, I feel like I learned a great deal from it and I wanted to share.
So, in the middle of this overstated disagreement, there was a moment when my husband and I literally repeated the same thing over and over again not listening to what the other person was saying. And in that tiny moment, I forgot about my vocation, I forgot about my call to love, and I was angry. I was selfish and I was mad. And then I remembered it and what I blogged on Monday and felt super guilty and like I was a liar telling you things that weren't true {yes, this is how my brain works}.
So, after we finally got to the bottom of our argument and figured out what was wrong and settled it, I realized something: I honestly thought that being a good wife and living out God's call for me would be easy.
If you don't already know, I am kind of a huge perfectionist. I just assume that I am really good at something without ever trying it, and when it turns out I'm wrong, I have a break-down and think that I am a horrible person. It's a pattern I'm trying to break. But, my thoughts about being a good wife were no exception. The argument that Josh and I had last night was probably about a 2 on the scale of arguments and my reaction automatically was to freak out and think that I am not living out my vocation the right way, that I was doing something wrong. But, the thing that I have to get through my head is that we are both broken. Not just me, not just my husband, but both of us. We are selfish, stubborn, and greedy, and we are called to live with each other and love each other fully. Sometimes love means arguing, sometimes it means consoling, and other times it means making your spouse laugh hysterically.
Last night was just one of those moments that God was trying to teach me to love fully. I'm not going to be a perfect wife, a perfect servant of Christ, but I have to keep going and I have to trust not just that God is there, but that He is guiding me. He didn't just call me to do a super hard job and then leave me there to figure out how it's done. He's constantly showing me, giving me opportunities to live it out, and loving me even when I refuse. The more I remember His love for me, the better I love my husband and the people around me.
