My reaction was far better than I expected. For months and months after Isaiah was born I would question myself, "If I found out I was pregnant today, would I be scared of what people thought about me?" For a long time that answer was yes. So, when I found out, on our 3rd anniversary of all days, that I was pregnant, I was pleasantly surprised by the happy tears running down my cheeks as I somehow found the words to tell my husband the news I found out less than 5 minutes prior.
That feeling of utter joy stuck around, until my propensity for fear of the unknown and what people think about me slowly crept in. Would I be talked and laughed about by Facebook friends and random people who "can't believe that she would have another kid so soon. Geez, doesn't she know about birth control?!" Would I be sneered at by random strangers as they saw a mother of 2 under 2 walk by them at the store? That fear turned into embarrassment and giving into a commonly held lie that says that the sacrifice one has to make for the good of a child is not worth it. I began feeling frustrated that I may have to postpone certain dreams for the good of my family and I began worrying CONSTANTLY about how we could possibly afford to take care of another precious life. At no point did I regret choosing life, but there were many times when I certainly questioned the timing of this pregnancy. As I began to see Isaiah adopt the "big brother" role at day care and Josh and I talked about plans of the ultimate nursery/play room for our two babies, I began remembering the joy I had since taken for granted. When we finally told all of our family and I saw the joy and excitement on their faces, I knew that whatever sacrifice had to be made was worth making for the opportunity to bring a child into this world.
Earlier this week, I had to call my doctor about some irregular symptoms regarding the pregnancy. After a few phone calls back and forth, I was told to leave work to rest and they would schedule me an ultrasound in the morning to check on everything. I rested up as best as one with an 11 month old who hates being told no can, and I waited to hear from the doctor as to when my appointment would be. After receiving the time the next morning and getting more rest, I went to meet Josh to get a sonogram. I was nervous, but having a propensity to worry, I gave it up and said a Hail Mary while waiting to go in. The news was immediate and it was jarring. I knew what I was looking at before she said that she didn't see a heartbeat. I had seen it before. I'm not sure how I managed to get through the rest of the ultrasound that felt like it lasted a lifetime, but the next thing I knew we were in Josh's car going to get something to eat before we had to see the doctor. The rest of the day was spent with enough distraction to ease my tears and only allowed some brief moments of true grief spent clinging to Dutch and mourning our child.
Yesterday morning, I went in to the hospital to have a D&C. We were able to keep some of our son's remains so that we can bury him in a Catholic cemetery and bless his short life. The procedure went well and I have been feeling well physically. After the medications and anesthesia wore off, the emotional pain was intense. But, having experienced this grief before, having an amazing support system, and knowing that we will be able to gain closure from a ceremony honoring his life is enough to help me endure the pain for now.
Above all, I am eternally grateful for these things:
- A doctor who not only knew me, but also cared for me enough that he felt far more comfortable giving me an operation to minimize the risk of infection vs. sending me home to miscarry on my own with no other option.
- His staff who all hugged me and told me how sweet I am and how much they did not want this news to be mine.
- The miracle of having a nurse that knows us very well taking care of me after the surgery.
- Family and friends who are willing to pray for me and visit us to help take care of Isaiah.
- Our priest who was willing to pray with us and go over what we could do to honor our son's life.
- A husband who continues to love me and our children no matter what comes our way.
- A beautiful baby boy here on Earth who eases my pain with his sweet smiles and big hugs.
- To have, yet again, been blessed to be a mother to a baby who's life was far too short.
- A faith that encourages me to love, even when that love results in tremendous and intense pain and suffering.
There is a lot of numbness over what has occurred in the past 3 days, and there will continue to be random spurts of grief and pain. I thank you all for the prayers that you have and will offer for me, Josh, Isaiah, and our 2 babies in heaven. We are blessed by the gift of your friendship and we love you all.
Sophia Dutchover - 3/9/2013
Isaac Dutchover - 12/4/2015
