Wednesday, March 13, 2013

You Were Beautiful

Saturday was just like any other weekend day: Josh and I cleaned the apartment, went out to eat for dinner, and came back home for a quiet night. Josh was in the living room playing guitar and I was watching TV and playing games on my phone. Earlier in the week, I had noticed some irregular spotting that shouldn't really occur during pregnancy. I had called the doctor about it twice and they reassured me that it wasn't a big deal and that it didn't always mean something bad. They told me that if it got worse, not better, then I should call back. So, on Friday, when everything seemed okay, I didn't think I had anything to worry about. But, that Saturday night, I noticed that there was more than just the little bit of spotting that had occurred earlier. There was blood. Not a lot, but enough to be worried. I came out of the bathroom crying and told Josh what had happened. He tried to reassure me, but I was practically inconsolable because I knew that whatever the problem was, it wasn't good. I decided that we needed to call someone, but with it being 9:00 at night and having never actually met our OB, it was a difficult process trying to figure out who we should call and even more difficult trying to figure out what number worked. It was so frustrating and we were feeling defeated, angry, and scared. Finally, I got ahold of someone who gave me a number to a nurses hotline. I called and told them my symptoms and explained that I was pregnant and I was starting to feel a lot calmer knowing that someone was listening to me and that I was getting help. And once I was explaining everything, I felt a lot less worrisome. My symptoms didn't seem THAT bad from what I had read and I was feeling pretty good. Until the nurse on the line told me that I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I told Josh what the nurse said, and without any thought, he started getting ready to go. I was a little weary, but he knew what to do and was doing it. That is just a good example of what kind of man I married: he does what needs to be done without a second thought. We got to the ER at about 9:30 and I was happily surprised to see that it was actually a pretty nice place and we didn't have to wait long at all to be helped. We got into a room within 10 minutes of getting to the ER and right after that I had a nurse come in, then the doctor checking me out and telling me what he thought was going on (that the baby was trying to miscarry), and then a lab tech taking my blood sample. They told us it would be about an hour or so until we got the results back from the blood and urine samples and that after that, they would be back in. So, we settled in for about an hour and watched TV, talked about stuff we saw on Facebook, and just tried to keep our minds off of where we were and why we were there. At about 11:15 an ultrasound tech came in and told us what she was going to do. She explained that she was going to look at my uterus and my ovaries and then we could check out the baby. At this point, I was a little worried. See, my first prenatal appointment was a month after I found out I was pregnant and the next appointment was set for March 20. I had yet to get my results back from the lab the last time I was at the hospital and I hadn't gotten an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, so I was kind of starting to think that I made the whole thing up and was seriously starting to doubt whether there was even a baby in there or not! She started looking at everything and explained what she was doing each time, "I'm going to listen for the blood flow in your ovaries now," and "This is your uterus," and things like that. Then, she got to my baby. I was elated. Seriously, guys, I know this sounds cliche and silly, but I have honestly never seen anything so beautiful in my life. I swear, I just knew that it was a girl. And she was beautiful. I was smiling so big just knowing she was in there and I felt so peaceful! The ultrasound tech started doing a doppler thing that looked for blood flow (though she didn't explain that at the time) and everything around the baby was a different color an was moving, but the baby stayed black and white. She then started looking for the heartbeat and the only thing that came on the screen was a line. There was no noise. Nothing. I knew, even when she kept looking for it, that it wasn't there. My heart sank. She told us that she couldn't find a heartbeat and that she didn't see any blood flow. She said that even though I was already supposed to be at 12 weeks, the baby and my uterus only looked to be at 9 weeks. She was so nice when she told us and she promised to give us pictures from the ultrasound. She told me that she wished she could just wrap me in her arms and take me with her. She was so sweet. I tried to keep calm while she finished up paperwork and got everything ready. When she left, I couldn't keep it in anymore and I just cried. We both did. We were trying so hard to be hopeful that everything was okay, that when we finally heard the news, we were heartbroken. We talked about God's love and about how beautiful she was. We cried and held hands and hugged and waited for the doctor. He told us doctor things and reassured us that everything was going to be okay. And while we were in the hospital, I believed him. It was when we were going home that I felt a change. I didn't want to cry, I was mad. I didn't feel anything. I didn't know what to do and all I could do was just sit. I could cry, but I couldn't comprehend what had just happened. We tried to get some sleep. But, when I woke up to go to the bathroom that night, I remembered what had happened the last time I was in that bathroom and I couldn't take it. I sat there and I just cried until Josh came in and cried with me. The next morning we finally got the courage to get ready for Mass, and as I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the bags under my swollen eyes, I decided I didn't care. I didn't care what I looked like, I didn't care what people said to me, I didn't care about worshipping God, I was tired and I was sad and I was just going to go through the motions until it stopped hurting. Needless to say, God's grace, the love and support of our parents, and the love of each other got to me and by Sunday night, I was feeling okay again. 


It's hard to sum up the emotions and the pain that Josh and I have experienced over the past few days. We are so sad for our loss and we are so sad that our baby is no longer with us. We are grateful to have had her for the little time that we did, but we are also so heartbroken that we don't get to know her.  But, beyond that pain, we have experienced so much love and support from the family and friends we have told. We are so humbled and blessed to know that we have family that will come and see us and help us through this time. We are so grateful to have friends that will make us dinner and bring it to us at the perfect time, when we need it most. We are so sad that we lost this beautiful life, but are also so excited for when we will be parents. We know that God is with us in our suffering and that He is with us always. We are so blessed to have a God who loves us, a family that supports us, and each other to lean on.

During this time, I think the thing I want people to know the most is that I don't want anyone who is pregnant or who just had a baby to think that I don't want to hear about their pregnancies/babies. I want to know everything. I want to be there for you and help you with anything I can. I am not happy that this happened to us, but I am happy that it didn't happen to anyone else I know that is pregnant. I want all the babies that are due to be healthy, happy, and, if I were being truthful, super fat so I have more of them to love. 

Josh and I know that things are not going to be easy. We know that we still have some grief to get through and that some days are going to be harder than others. But, we are so blessed to have amazing people in our lives who are here for us. We love you. Thank you so much for your love, support, and prayers!





You were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I saw your arms, your legs and I knew you were my baby girl. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I was smiling ear to ear as I was able to finally see the miracle growing inside of me. And then, the ultrasound tech starting checking for blood flow and when I didn't see any of the colors from the Doppler around you, I tried not to worry and reminded myself that I am not a professional and I don't know anything about sonograms. Then she went to find your heartbeat and when that straight line ran across the screen, my heart sank and I knew the truth. She tried a few more times before she told us what we already knew: you were gone. We had lost you. That moment was hard, baby girl. I've wanted you for so long and, for no explainable reason, you were gone. I hadn't even been able to see you alive and now you were gone. I was supposed to love you, take care of you, hold you tight when you cried, hugged you when you laughed. I was supposed to talk you through your boy problems and help you with your English homework. I was supposed to help you play dress up and attend your tea parties. Your daddy was supposed to teach you about football, help you with your Math homework, and tell you how a boy is suppose to treat you. He was going to spoil you and love you and never tell you no (until you started dating). You were going to have him wrapped around your beautiful, perfect, little finger. We're sad we don't get to meet you, my sweet angel. We're sad we won't get to know who you looked like more or whose personality you resembled most. But, we are so blessed to have made you, to have seen you, to have helped you grow for the little time you did. You will never leave my thoughts and your brothers and sisters that are to come will always know that you are watching over and waiting for them. They will always know your love and will always know who you are. You will always be my first baby and I will love you forever. Watch over us up there, sweet baby.