jumping hurdles.

It is the second day of classes. As of yesterday, I have had 2 freak-out moments; one of them being particularly bad (like the kind where I call my boyfriend wanting advice and he doesn't know what to say because I've really already made up mind about something, so I end up just crying and freaking out and getting mad).


So, in case you were all unaware, balance is one of my biggest struggles.


I have a lot going on this year. I'm graduating, I'm a Prefect (fancy term for R.A.), I'm the President of a Catholic-Christian sorority, I have to write my senior thesis, I have a job, I'm a volunteer at the Catholic Church my boyfriend is a youth minister for, and I still have to find time to maintain friendships, relationships, and my spiritual growth.


This isn't the first time I've had this problem... this is a close first for me freaking out about it this early (in second place for freak-out time is a week after classes start), but it definitely isn't a new thing. It is, however, always really difficult for me to deal with. When I'm not freaking out about the amount of things I have to do, I'm spending it worrying about disappointing those people who I'm doing the work for. Truth be told, that is the real source of all of my breakdowns: being afraid of messing up and disappointing people.


I don't know if you've ever encountered a perfectionist. Heck, maybe you're one too. But, the frustrating thing about Perfectionists is that they never try. They give up before the even run the race because, goodness, that road looks way too rough and the course too long and the other people way too fit! We never even try because, in our mind's, it's too difficult and we aren't good enough.


The crazy thing is, we're right! It might just be too difficult, but we can do it. We can. Because God is always there to guide us, to cover us in those times we are too weak and to pick us up in those times that we fail. We aren't good enough, we will never be, but that is the beauty of Grace. It wouldn't be Grace if we earned it or were worthy of it. We're right, but we're also so wrong. Those facts shouldn't stop us from running the race and jumping those hurdles, it should liberate us and help us to do it without fear or inhibition! We'll fail sometimes, we'll have to run the race a thousand, million, trillion times before we get right, but we can do it.


I know this year won't be easy for me, and I know that there will be plenty more doubts, fears, worries, disappointments, and breakdowns, but I also know that i the end, when I walk across a stage and my family and my friends are cheering for me, I will know that every little thing mattered and counted and helped make that moment happen. I will be proud, happy, fulfilled, and hopeful. But I will especially feel the Love and Grace God has given me to run the race.