It's complicated.

Looking back on my years in high school and my early years of college, I realize that I've grown a lot. I now have a favorite color (kind of), I am more confident in my beliefs, I am more confident in general. I know more about my faith and accept it more and I have learned a lot. But, even though I've grown up in many ways, I still feel like I am so immature in so many ways, especially this year.

See, in high school, I had a pretty simple philosophy, treat people better than I thought people were treating me. Always give people the benefit of the doubt, even if I felt like they didn't give it to me. Never judge someone based on what they wear or what you've heard about them, even if you felt you were being judged. 

In a lot of ways, I was wrong. Not about giving people the benefit of the doubt or not judging or treating people well. I was wrong in why I thought those things were important. I thought they were important because all throughout high school, I was depressed. I had no self-confidence and I felt like everyone hated me and that no one could ever love me. I wasn't beautiful enough. I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't good enough for people to even take notice of me. And that was the entire driving force behind wanting to be good. It wasn't so that I could actually do it, it was so that I could feel worthy, it was so that I didn't have to focus on the areas of my life that I had control over, it was so that I didn't have to face the fact that I hated myself and I blamed it on other people. 

But, it's funny how when you go around pretending to do something good, no matter what you're reasons are for it, you start ACTUALLY doing it. It becomes real; it turns slowly from being something done out of bitterness and spite, to something out of love. 

And that is where I have fallen backwards in my growth.

Instead of doing something out of bitterness, I've let that bitterness slip away; but in it's place, I've formed selfishness. No longer do I take time out to talk to someone I think looks down. No longer do I write nice notes to people I see struggling. No longer do I even smile at people because, "I've just had too hard of a day." 

I know that this has been creeping up for awhile. I know this is my next really big hurdle I have to jump through in my spiritual life. I know this is the thing that is going to be really hard for me to give up. But, I'm realizing more and more, how much I need to lose myself.

I need to cut things out. I need to say "no." I need to start focusing on the things that will bring me closer to the people I love and the people I want to love more. I need to stop thinking of myself, and start thinking of others. I know this is my way of preparing my heart during Advent; preparing myself for Jesus. 

I just want you all to know: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting your needs second, or tenth, or one millionth. I'm sorry for being so consumed by what I want that I forget that it matters what you want and need. I'm so sorry that I have not cared for you in the way that I should and easily could. I'm sorry.  I hope you will forgive me. And I really hope that you will hold me accountable with love. I'm making some changes. And I'm going to be a big mess. But, I am so blessed and so thankful to have amazing people in my life who are willing to put up with me and to help me. I'm sorry that it's just now that I'm seeing you for who you are: Jesus.