the proposal.

Okay, so I just wrote a blog post, but really I've been meaning to write another one for quite some time now. This one is a lot happier, I promise! haha


So, on October 7, 2011, Joshua Dutchover tricked me. 


My boyfriend of 3 years, Josh, called me on that Friday, and asked me to go to lunch with him to cheer me up (I had slept through a class... again). Of course, I wasn't about to turn down a free meal before work! So, I agreed and started getting ready! For some reason that day, I took some extra time to get ready: I straightened my hair, I put on my make-up really well, I put on my favorite comfy button down denim shirt that makes me look cute, and I looked GOOD. Even stranger on this day, was that I got ready BEFORE the agreed time that he would come pick me up. I decided to kill some time by taking a picture of my hot self and then I went up to the FIDE office at school. When I walked in the conversation kind of died a little until Marvin said something and we got a conversation kind of going again. They asked me what I was up to, I told them all about lunch and then Fr. Nick asked me to ask Josh about some paperwork he needed. Then I got a text from Josh asking me to help him get some stuff from the Knights of Columbus Hall in the Abbey Church. I told everyone that I had to leave and why and headed off to the chapel. 
So, one important thing to note here is that I am CONSTANTLY thinking about proposals. I always start imagining the scenario, what its going to be like, all that jazz. and most of the time I am wrong. dead wrong. and then I'm half angry for like a week. Alright, back to all of the unnecessary details (this is how I tell stories, people!!)
So, here I am headed to my favorite place, and I'm thinking, "Maybe he'll propose? Nahhh, Karen, he's not going to propose. What is your problem? He just needs help. If you think he is going to propose and he really needs help carrying stuff to his car, you're just going to be disappointed. Oh, hey look, there's Steve the maintenance guy. He's so nice. I wonder if he knows that when I come back this way, I'll be engaged. KAREN, SHUT UP!!!" So, while my brain was arguing with itself, I just stopped listening to it. I walked into the chapel thinking, "I hope he's going to meet me here, because I don't know how to get to the Knight's Hall." So, I kept walking, and I saw that the Marian chapel was lit. "It's for the monks." I keep walking, and I see kneelers. "The monks are going to be praying in there." I keep walking and see rose petals on the kneelers. "Ummm, They like roses?" I see Jonathan (Josh's brother) peek his out from the the choir stalls and I know what's happening. I see my favorite person in the world, the person I love, standing there with a guitar in front of my favorite side chapel with the most beautiful mosaic of Our Blessed Mother on the Feast of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary, and I say:


"Uh, Hi!"


And then I start balling uncontrollably.


He sang me a song he wrote for me. I still can't even describe to you how this song makes me feel every time I hear it (the closest thing, I think is "warm fuzzies"). That song is beautiful. And it's also long. Really long. And I stood there, crying and distracting the man of my dreams from remembering the loving words he wrote for me, and I didn't even run at him and jump on him and hug the life out of him. And they say I don't have self-control. 
Anyway, after he was done, he dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him.
This man, laid out everything he had and asked me to love him for the rest of my life, just as he would do for me. 
Talk about amazing.
Anyway, I said yes. 
and then I cried and let out embarrassing sobs and hugged my fiance until he was wet with my tears. 
When I turned around I saw not only Jonathan, but my good friends Abby and Kelly, and our friend Vinny! After the hugs and pictures and tears, the friends left and Joshua and I were left alone to pray the Rosary and ask for Our Mama Mary's intercession for a fruitful and happy engagement and marriage.
needless to say, I've never been more distracted during prayer. 


I am so excited to be able to finally say that I am engaged to Joshua Reynaldo Dutchover, and I will soon be able to call him my husband! Please pray for us!

It's complicated.

Looking back on my years in high school and my early years of college, I realize that I've grown a lot. I now have a favorite color (kind of), I am more confident in my beliefs, I am more confident in general. I know more about my faith and accept it more and I have learned a lot. But, even though I've grown up in many ways, I still feel like I am so immature in so many ways, especially this year.

See, in high school, I had a pretty simple philosophy, treat people better than I thought people were treating me. Always give people the benefit of the doubt, even if I felt like they didn't give it to me. Never judge someone based on what they wear or what you've heard about them, even if you felt you were being judged. 

In a lot of ways, I was wrong. Not about giving people the benefit of the doubt or not judging or treating people well. I was wrong in why I thought those things were important. I thought they were important because all throughout high school, I was depressed. I had no self-confidence and I felt like everyone hated me and that no one could ever love me. I wasn't beautiful enough. I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't good enough for people to even take notice of me. And that was the entire driving force behind wanting to be good. It wasn't so that I could actually do it, it was so that I could feel worthy, it was so that I didn't have to focus on the areas of my life that I had control over, it was so that I didn't have to face the fact that I hated myself and I blamed it on other people. 

But, it's funny how when you go around pretending to do something good, no matter what you're reasons are for it, you start ACTUALLY doing it. It becomes real; it turns slowly from being something done out of bitterness and spite, to something out of love. 

And that is where I have fallen backwards in my growth.

Instead of doing something out of bitterness, I've let that bitterness slip away; but in it's place, I've formed selfishness. No longer do I take time out to talk to someone I think looks down. No longer do I write nice notes to people I see struggling. No longer do I even smile at people because, "I've just had too hard of a day." 

I know that this has been creeping up for awhile. I know this is my next really big hurdle I have to jump through in my spiritual life. I know this is the thing that is going to be really hard for me to give up. But, I'm realizing more and more, how much I need to lose myself.

I need to cut things out. I need to say "no." I need to start focusing on the things that will bring me closer to the people I love and the people I want to love more. I need to stop thinking of myself, and start thinking of others. I know this is my way of preparing my heart during Advent; preparing myself for Jesus. 

I just want you all to know: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting your needs second, or tenth, or one millionth. I'm sorry for being so consumed by what I want that I forget that it matters what you want and need. I'm so sorry that I have not cared for you in the way that I should and easily could. I'm sorry.  I hope you will forgive me. And I really hope that you will hold me accountable with love. I'm making some changes. And I'm going to be a big mess. But, I am so blessed and so thankful to have amazing people in my life who are willing to put up with me and to help me. I'm sorry that it's just now that I'm seeing you for who you are: Jesus.