An update on life

I know that Monday I posted a blog about what I want my marriage to look like and the call that I get to finally live out, and all of that is really, really close to my heart. But, I think it would be kind of silly to just say that stuff and not use this venue to update people on how this ministry is going. I think we all know that I'm a work in progress and that I'm not gonna get this whole "servant" thing right away {as much as it pains me to say that}. So, I want to use this blog to update you on our life and on our progress. I know I'm not really all that interesting and that my idea of mixing things up is making myself try something new on a restaurant menu, but, I feel like I have a lot to say and a lot to share, and I want to do it here. So, if you'll have me, I would love to share my life with you.... starting now.

Right now in our marriage, Joshua and I are doing pretty great. Despite a minor hiccup in communication {per usual}, things have been running pretty smoothly. But, it's funny how being away from him for so long before the wedding, and now being with him all the time has kind of messed with me a bit. I guess I forgot that sometimes we are going to have disagreements and sometimes I might even get angry with him {GASP!}. It seems like yesterday was just one of those days. 

Don't get me wrong, there wasn't a tragic, melodramatic fight where I stormed out or I made my new husband sleep on the couch. Far from that. It was a tiny minuscule disagreement that I blew out of proportion {as usual}. Usually it would not even be noteworthy to mention the small spat, but, in this instance, I feel like I learned a great deal from it and I wanted to share.

So, in the middle of this overstated disagreement, there was a moment when my husband and I literally repeated the same thing over and over again not listening to what the other person was saying. And in that tiny moment, I forgot about my vocation, I forgot about my call to love, and I was angry. I was selfish and I was mad. And then I remembered it and what I blogged on Monday and felt super guilty and like I was a liar telling you things that weren't true {yes, this is how my brain works}.

So, after we finally got to the bottom of our argument and figured out what was wrong and settled it, I realized something: I honestly thought that being a good wife and living out God's call for me would be easy.

If you don't already know, I am kind of a huge perfectionist. I just assume that I am really good at something without ever trying it, and when it turns out I'm wrong, I have a break-down and think that I am a horrible person. It's a pattern I'm trying to break. But, my thoughts about being a good wife were no exception. The argument that Josh and I had last night was probably about a 2 on the scale of arguments and my reaction automatically was to freak out and think that I am not living out my vocation the right way, that I was doing something wrong. But, the thing that I have to get through my head is that we are both broken. Not just me, not just my husband, but both of us. We are selfish, stubborn, and greedy, and we are called to live with each other and love each other fully. Sometimes love means arguing, sometimes it means consoling, and other times it means making your spouse laugh hysterically. 

Last night was just one of those moments that God was trying to teach me to love fully. I'm not going to be a perfect wife, a perfect servant of Christ, but I have to keep going and I have to trust not just that God is there, but that He is guiding me. He didn't just call me to do a super hard job and then leave me there to figure out how it's done. He's constantly showing me, giving me opportunities to live it out, and loving me even when I refuse. The more I remember His love for me, the better I love my husband and the people around me.

Telos

Last Saturday was the best day of my life! Not only was I able to wear a super pretty dress and feel pampered for a day, but I was also able to stand up {in my really pretty dress} next to my best friend and vow to love him and cherish him for the rest of our lives while participating in the Holy Sacrament of Marriage. It was awesome, beautiful, and hands-down, the best Mass I've ever attended {though, I am a bit biased..}! 

And now, a whole week has come and gone since that beautiful day! But, the strange part about it is, life after the wedding is even better. That day was the happiest day of my life, but every day since then has been almost as good. Every day, I wake up to my best friend kissing me on the forehead and telling me, "Good morning, pretty lady." Every day, I get to make our tiny apartment a home for our little family. Every day, I get to grow closer to my husband and our Lord. Every day, I am living out my telos, my purpose. Every day, I get to wake up knowing what God's call for me is, and every day I get to grow closer to Him by living it out. The life that my husband and I started last Saturday is not just about us, but it is about living out the Love that has been given to us to those around us. I am the happiest version of Karen that I have ever been in my life because I am finally able to live out the call that God has asked of me. And I want to do it with my whole heart.

So, even though I really loved my big, fancy wedding dress, even though I agonized and worried for a year about my wedding day, in the end, it was not about 

what color dresses the bridesmaids had

{the dress as pictured on the website vs. the real thing}

or what my hair looked like

{hahahaha classic}

The only thing that mattered was this:

the skinny

We all know I love a good rant when I've deprived myself of sleep for no reason, so here goes:


This is something that has always bothered me, but I never knew how to talk about it without feeling like a jerk or that people would just think I'm fishing for compliments or something. But lately I've come to the conclusion that some things need to be said and that I need to stop being afraid to say them. That doesn't mean I'm right, it doesn't mean that I don't want to hear anyone else's opinion. It just means I want to openly share mine.


First, I want to say how awesome it is that so many women are aware of the unrealistic standards of weight that media has shown us, and I'm so happy that women are not looking to those false ideas to find beauty. But, it seems that we've almost swung the other way in some regards.


Hear me out: Women today have gotten so on board the "love your curves" train that many women who are naturally thin are feeling guilty for something that they can't help. Obviously, this is kind of a blanket statement to make; so, although I cannot speak for other women, I can speak for myself. 
I have always felt incredibly uncomfortable when someone pointed out my weight (or lack thereof). I've been skinny since I was a child and I've had to deal with the problems that come along with it since. In fifth grade a girl asked if I was anorexic, I didn't know what it meant and after unassuredly guessing "no," I went home and asked my mom what it was. People have always commented on my weight: from family members to strangers, and the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies it has never gone away. 
What I'm trying to get at here is this: I love that women with curves or heavier women are liberating themselves of what society thinks they should look like. But, just because I'm a size 0 does not mean that I have it easy, and it doesn't make me a bad person. Suddenly, we've come into this age where the mantra "Be comfortable in whatever body you have," it's translated to mean, "Love your curves, mock those who are skinny." It's no longer about being healthy and loving yourself, instead, it becomes about what's it's been since the beginning: Don't care about how you feel about your body, care about what others think about it. Again, it's awesome that women want to feel that love for themselves, no matter what size. Just be careful about what kind of language you use to express that love you are striving to have for your body. Sometimes the things people say to make them love themselves for being bigger, might also just be the things that hurt those who are smaller. 
Look at it this way: I want curves. I don't like it when my clothes don't fit (including my wedding dress) because I'm too damn skinny. So, why would you make me feel worse about myself by letting me know that I'm not sexy, remotely attractive, or what a "real woman" looks like? How is that helping women? How is that any different from scorning those who do have curves? It's not. 
Next time you see a skinny girl, don't just assume that she has the greatest life, don't assume that she doesn't have issues with her body; instead, see her as a person who is in need of love and reassurance just like everyone else. In the end, it doesn't matter if you're a size 00 or 100, I care more about who you are than what you look like.

the proposal.

Okay, so I just wrote a blog post, but really I've been meaning to write another one for quite some time now. This one is a lot happier, I promise! haha


So, on October 7, 2011, Joshua Dutchover tricked me. 


My boyfriend of 3 years, Josh, called me on that Friday, and asked me to go to lunch with him to cheer me up (I had slept through a class... again). Of course, I wasn't about to turn down a free meal before work! So, I agreed and started getting ready! For some reason that day, I took some extra time to get ready: I straightened my hair, I put on my make-up really well, I put on my favorite comfy button down denim shirt that makes me look cute, and I looked GOOD. Even stranger on this day, was that I got ready BEFORE the agreed time that he would come pick me up. I decided to kill some time by taking a picture of my hot self and then I went up to the FIDE office at school. When I walked in the conversation kind of died a little until Marvin said something and we got a conversation kind of going again. They asked me what I was up to, I told them all about lunch and then Fr. Nick asked me to ask Josh about some paperwork he needed. Then I got a text from Josh asking me to help him get some stuff from the Knights of Columbus Hall in the Abbey Church. I told everyone that I had to leave and why and headed off to the chapel. 
So, one important thing to note here is that I am CONSTANTLY thinking about proposals. I always start imagining the scenario, what its going to be like, all that jazz. and most of the time I am wrong. dead wrong. and then I'm half angry for like a week. Alright, back to all of the unnecessary details (this is how I tell stories, people!!)
So, here I am headed to my favorite place, and I'm thinking, "Maybe he'll propose? Nahhh, Karen, he's not going to propose. What is your problem? He just needs help. If you think he is going to propose and he really needs help carrying stuff to his car, you're just going to be disappointed. Oh, hey look, there's Steve the maintenance guy. He's so nice. I wonder if he knows that when I come back this way, I'll be engaged. KAREN, SHUT UP!!!" So, while my brain was arguing with itself, I just stopped listening to it. I walked into the chapel thinking, "I hope he's going to meet me here, because I don't know how to get to the Knight's Hall." So, I kept walking, and I saw that the Marian chapel was lit. "It's for the monks." I keep walking, and I see kneelers. "The monks are going to be praying in there." I keep walking and see rose petals on the kneelers. "Ummm, They like roses?" I see Jonathan (Josh's brother) peek his out from the the choir stalls and I know what's happening. I see my favorite person in the world, the person I love, standing there with a guitar in front of my favorite side chapel with the most beautiful mosaic of Our Blessed Mother on the Feast of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary, and I say:


"Uh, Hi!"


And then I start balling uncontrollably.


He sang me a song he wrote for me. I still can't even describe to you how this song makes me feel every time I hear it (the closest thing, I think is "warm fuzzies"). That song is beautiful. And it's also long. Really long. And I stood there, crying and distracting the man of my dreams from remembering the loving words he wrote for me, and I didn't even run at him and jump on him and hug the life out of him. And they say I don't have self-control. 
Anyway, after he was done, he dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him.
This man, laid out everything he had and asked me to love him for the rest of my life, just as he would do for me. 
Talk about amazing.
Anyway, I said yes. 
and then I cried and let out embarrassing sobs and hugged my fiance until he was wet with my tears. 
When I turned around I saw not only Jonathan, but my good friends Abby and Kelly, and our friend Vinny! After the hugs and pictures and tears, the friends left and Joshua and I were left alone to pray the Rosary and ask for Our Mama Mary's intercession for a fruitful and happy engagement and marriage.
needless to say, I've never been more distracted during prayer. 


I am so excited to be able to finally say that I am engaged to Joshua Reynaldo Dutchover, and I will soon be able to call him my husband! Please pray for us!

It's complicated.

Looking back on my years in high school and my early years of college, I realize that I've grown a lot. I now have a favorite color (kind of), I am more confident in my beliefs, I am more confident in general. I know more about my faith and accept it more and I have learned a lot. But, even though I've grown up in many ways, I still feel like I am so immature in so many ways, especially this year.

See, in high school, I had a pretty simple philosophy, treat people better than I thought people were treating me. Always give people the benefit of the doubt, even if I felt like they didn't give it to me. Never judge someone based on what they wear or what you've heard about them, even if you felt you were being judged. 

In a lot of ways, I was wrong. Not about giving people the benefit of the doubt or not judging or treating people well. I was wrong in why I thought those things were important. I thought they were important because all throughout high school, I was depressed. I had no self-confidence and I felt like everyone hated me and that no one could ever love me. I wasn't beautiful enough. I wasn't funny enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't good enough for people to even take notice of me. And that was the entire driving force behind wanting to be good. It wasn't so that I could actually do it, it was so that I could feel worthy, it was so that I didn't have to focus on the areas of my life that I had control over, it was so that I didn't have to face the fact that I hated myself and I blamed it on other people. 

But, it's funny how when you go around pretending to do something good, no matter what you're reasons are for it, you start ACTUALLY doing it. It becomes real; it turns slowly from being something done out of bitterness and spite, to something out of love. 

And that is where I have fallen backwards in my growth.

Instead of doing something out of bitterness, I've let that bitterness slip away; but in it's place, I've formed selfishness. No longer do I take time out to talk to someone I think looks down. No longer do I write nice notes to people I see struggling. No longer do I even smile at people because, "I've just had too hard of a day." 

I know that this has been creeping up for awhile. I know this is my next really big hurdle I have to jump through in my spiritual life. I know this is the thing that is going to be really hard for me to give up. But, I'm realizing more and more, how much I need to lose myself.

I need to cut things out. I need to say "no." I need to start focusing on the things that will bring me closer to the people I love and the people I want to love more. I need to stop thinking of myself, and start thinking of others. I know this is my way of preparing my heart during Advent; preparing myself for Jesus. 

I just want you all to know: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting your needs second, or tenth, or one millionth. I'm sorry for being so consumed by what I want that I forget that it matters what you want and need. I'm so sorry that I have not cared for you in the way that I should and easily could. I'm sorry.  I hope you will forgive me. And I really hope that you will hold me accountable with love. I'm making some changes. And I'm going to be a big mess. But, I am so blessed and so thankful to have amazing people in my life who are willing to put up with me and to help me. I'm sorry that it's just now that I'm seeing you for who you are: Jesus.

jumping hurdles.

It is the second day of classes. As of yesterday, I have had 2 freak-out moments; one of them being particularly bad (like the kind where I call my boyfriend wanting advice and he doesn't know what to say because I've really already made up mind about something, so I end up just crying and freaking out and getting mad).


So, in case you were all unaware, balance is one of my biggest struggles.


I have a lot going on this year. I'm graduating, I'm a Prefect (fancy term for R.A.), I'm the President of a Catholic-Christian sorority, I have to write my senior thesis, I have a job, I'm a volunteer at the Catholic Church my boyfriend is a youth minister for, and I still have to find time to maintain friendships, relationships, and my spiritual growth.


This isn't the first time I've had this problem... this is a close first for me freaking out about it this early (in second place for freak-out time is a week after classes start), but it definitely isn't a new thing. It is, however, always really difficult for me to deal with. When I'm not freaking out about the amount of things I have to do, I'm spending it worrying about disappointing those people who I'm doing the work for. Truth be told, that is the real source of all of my breakdowns: being afraid of messing up and disappointing people.


I don't know if you've ever encountered a perfectionist. Heck, maybe you're one too. But, the frustrating thing about Perfectionists is that they never try. They give up before the even run the race because, goodness, that road looks way too rough and the course too long and the other people way too fit! We never even try because, in our mind's, it's too difficult and we aren't good enough.


The crazy thing is, we're right! It might just be too difficult, but we can do it. We can. Because God is always there to guide us, to cover us in those times we are too weak and to pick us up in those times that we fail. We aren't good enough, we will never be, but that is the beauty of Grace. It wouldn't be Grace if we earned it or were worthy of it. We're right, but we're also so wrong. Those facts shouldn't stop us from running the race and jumping those hurdles, it should liberate us and help us to do it without fear or inhibition! We'll fail sometimes, we'll have to run the race a thousand, million, trillion times before we get right, but we can do it.


I know this year won't be easy for me, and I know that there will be plenty more doubts, fears, worries, disappointments, and breakdowns, but I also know that i the end, when I walk across a stage and my family and my friends are cheering for me, I will know that every little thing mattered and counted and helped make that moment happen. I will be proud, happy, fulfilled, and hopeful. But I will especially feel the Love and Grace God has given me to run the race.

My Wish

Hello all! I suppose that for my first post I should explain a little about how I came to the decision to make a blog! Admittedly, right now, it feels a little weird explaining this to... well, no one. But, alas, I'll continue anyway! I am a senior in college right now and for the past few days I've been nearly obsessively looking at other Catholic blogs such as  barefootandpregnantblog.blogspot.com and catholicicing.blogspot.com as well as viewing a few other really awesome blogs! I was so inspired by what I was reading: the struggles and ideas and creative genius of women who, although so different in temperaments and lifestyles, were so genuinely and courageously Catholic. I was inspired, and I caught the bug. But, I suppose my strand has a bit of a mutation, because, although I loved what was being said on those blogs, I realized that almost every blog that I encountered is written by a Catholic woman in her late twenties - early thirties, has anywhere between 1-10 children and is a stay at home mom. I admire that so, so much! And someday, I want to be in your shoes (because, as you will soon find out, I am kind of obsessed with marriage and motherhood), but for now, I am a 21 year old college student who is merely dating and will probably not be getting married for a few years (though I desperately hope less). Although I love hearing about NFP and the joys of married life and motherhood, I have yet to experience that. I can pretend (and I do), but really that just makes it that much harder for me to live in the present (which is something I've recently taken up..). So, I wanted to start a blog where I can talk about the joys and sufferings of a Catholic young woman who messes up a lot, but is earnestly striving for sainthood. I want to discuss topics like beauty (hints the name of the blog), love, acceptance, temperance, pride, crafts, and relationships. I know there probably isn't a huge market for blogs for high school and college aged women, but I want there to be. I want to be what the women of those other blogs are for me! Maybe I'm being ambitious (and given my schedule this semester I most likely am), but I know I have a calling to minister to women, and I hope this is just another way I can do that. I'm not sure how successful or popular this blog will be, but I hope that the quality of what I say will counteract the mystery of what quantity of followers I will have. I would love your prayers and support (yeah... you... the one who doesn't know this blog exists yet...) and I love and thank you!!